I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
