At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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