note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
