TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
