I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
