My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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