We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
