Non-Jews are for practice
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
