Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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