My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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