I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
