I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
