Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
