I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
