bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
