so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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