I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
