Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
