I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
