OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
