Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
