i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
