dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
