I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
