the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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