Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
