My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
