new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
