If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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