apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
