Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
