i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
