omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
