I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
