I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
