Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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