I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
