Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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