When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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