The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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