did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
