Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
