so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
