I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
