Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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