What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
