The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
