i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
