I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
