thus making me awesome and them whores
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
